Talk Her Clothes Off

Okey, everybody knows that the way to a woman's heart is through her ears. You know, "smooth" talk. Guys suck in communication, so, I'm going to help you out in the most troubling conversations. Making her laugh and shit during a conversation will work most of the time, but once you get to these, you're screwed.


THE STD TALK

She asks: "How many women have you slept with?"

You say: "Fifty-two."

Why that's dumb: Smooth move dumb ass. What she really meant was, "have you been tested for STDs?" But now that you've told her, she'll surely hold that against you.

Try it this way: "I'm not really into counting, but if you're worried I have an STD, I was tested last month." That is a lot better, also tell her that to make her feel better you'll go during the weekend. Then, really go, the more proactive you are, the more comfortable she'll be. That equals better sex, understand?

THE "PILL" TALK

She asks: "You got a condom?"

You say: "Why don't you go on the Pill?"

Why that's dumb: You think you're just being honest and direct. She thinks you're selfish. Anger happens. Sex does not.

Try it this way: "Do like how it feels when I wear a condom?" You got a shot here, most women would still prefer it all natural too. Take her answer as a jumping-off point to share what you really prefer. But don't expect her to say, "Sure, I'll see my Gynecologist tomorrow." So be willing to wait, try various condoms while she's still pondering on whether you're Pill worthy or not.

THE WHERE IS THIS GOIN' TALK

She asks: "Where's this going?"

You say: "Back off, man trap."

Why that's dumb: "You think she's asking why you haven't proposed. But what she really wants to know is if you see her in your short or long-term future. You feel cornered and walk out. She shatters you're TV. It's all good.

Try it this way: "Can we talk about this on Saturday?" You have to really think about where you guys are going before you yap or walk out. You don't have to have the right answer, she just wants you to think about the question. But if "no" is your answer, then say so. She's prepared for the worst, she'll take it well enough.

THE SEXUAL DESIRE TALK

She says: "Let's just snuggle tonight."

You say: "Why don't you ever want to get jiggy with me?"

Why that's dumb: Guilt is not hot. Selfishness, cold. Don't make it seem like you're only interested in getting laid, even if you are. If you show frustration, she'll freeze. Good bye to making sweet love.

Try it this way: "How about a massage?" She'll know your motives, but since you're putting her pleasure first, she might just overlook it. If she wants to snuggle, let her. Try again early in the morning. Women are most horny in the morning. Testosterone spikes and cuddling increases oxytocin. This formula equals jiggy in bed.

THE MONEY TALK

She asks: "Do you like my new shoes?'

You say: "You really need more shoes?"

Why that's dumb: No, she doesn't need the shoes, just like you didn't need a new Cam Phone. But she's modeling them in front of you now, so get over it.

Try it this way: "They look great on you." Then gently remind her about the vacation you're saving up for. If you haven't agreed on saving up for anything, start now. Money talks always start a fight. Put it gently.

THE "GIVE ME SPACE" TALK

She says: "I need a little space."

You say: "Have a nice life."

Why that's dumb: She isn't dumping you, she just wants a few days for herself. Or, she's testing to see how serious you really are with your relationship. You split, you fail.

Try it this way: "Take as much space as you need." Now that's the James Bond way. Chances are, she'll miss you and call you by the end of the week. While waiting for that call, think about your relationship-the good and the bad, and where you see it going-and put it in writing. Send the letter. She may not come sprinting back, but at least you've started conversation.